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Thursday, January 17, 2013

More "Tributes" for Lance Armstrong from Late Night Comics.

Lance Armstrong's interview for Oprah Winfrey's OWN television network where he admitted using performance-enhancing drugs during his cycling career provided plenty of  fodder for America's late-night joke writers. Below are some of the "tributes" given to the disgraced seven-time Tour de France champion and testicular cancer survivor:
"According to the CDC, over 128 million flu vaccines have been administered this year. That's almost as many injections as Lance Armstrong has gotten in his entire career." 
"Armstrong's confession came as a shock to as many as a dozen people." 
Jay Leno on "The Tonight Show With Jay Leno.
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
"Armstrong's sit-down with Winfrey lasted close to three hours.So it's sort of like a regular interview but, you know, on steroids."
Jimmy Fallon on "Late Night With Jimmy Fallon

"Inside sources say [Armstrong] refused to come clean about the doping at first, but then he caved when Oprah promised him a panini maker."
Armstrong zingers "outsourced" by Kimmel to a mock call center in India:
     "Why did Lance Armstrong go on the Oprah Winfrey show? Because he thought he'd have a ball."
     "What is the secret of Lance Armstrong's success? He always stays positive."

Jimmy Kimmel on "Jimmy Kimmel Live" 

"Top Ten" list on the other revelations from Armstrong's Winfrey interview:
10. Artificially enhanced his cycling shorts
9. Still never leaves the house without several vials of clean urine
8. Owns Texas real estate known as "Rancho Decepto"
7. Took steroids to work up the strength to admit taking steroids
6. Once had an inappropriate relationship with an air hose
5. Also has tattoo of Rex Ryan's wife
4. Has given up on making the baseball Hall of Fame
3. United States Postal Service paid him in stamps
2. Started erotic website, "Tour-De-Pants"
1. Admitted to doping just to get on "Oprah"
David Letterman "Late Show With David Letterman," 

Stephen Colbert- Colbert Nation

"She (Oprah) sat down ... to give us her reaction to what she won't tell us Lance said.....Well I'm sorry, Oprah. I am not playing into your little PR stunt. If you will not tell us what happened between you and Lance, I have the responsibility as a journalist to make something up.- This just in," Colbert announced. "Lance Armstrong is banging Oprah."
"Rumors have been swirling for years. But when times got tough for this man, I did not get off the tandem bike of admiration. No, I saddled up, rang the bell of loyalty, put down the kickstand of support and stayed in it to Schwinn it ... and I've run out of bike metaphors.
"Point is, this man is a hero, He beat cancer, then he went on to beat something even less popular: the French."
Stephen Colbert- The Colbert Report.

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