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Wednesday, August 29, 2012

TOP 100 funniest one-liners: 41 to 60

TOP 100 funniest one-liners on the internet!
from onelinerz.net

from toonpool.com
41 Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but
check when you say the paint is wet?

42 The sole purpose of a child's middle name, is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

43 God must love stupid people. He made SO many.

44 Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

45 Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.

46 Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

47 Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.

48 Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

49 Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.

50 You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

51 The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

52 A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

53 The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

54 Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.

55 Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

56 It's not the fall that kills you; it's the sudden stop at the end.

57 Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

58 Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
from vectorstock.com
59 He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

60 A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

Monday, August 27, 2012

Dumbest Political Quotes of All Time

Dumbest Political Quotes of All Time- A Compendium of Ridiculous Sound Bites and Idiotic Gaffes.
from politicalhumor.about.com

President George W. Bush
''Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB-GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across this country.''
President George W. Bush, Sept. 6, 2004

President Bill Clinton
''When I was in England, I experimented with marijuana a time or two, and I didn't like it. I didn't inhale and never tried it again.''—Bill Clinton

''If I were a single man, I might ask that mummy out. That's a good-looking mummy.''
Bill Clinton , on ''Juanita,'' a newly discovered Incan mummy on display at the National Geographic museum

''I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future.''—Dan Quayle

''I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix.'' —Dan Quayle

''I am in control here. As of now, I am in control here in the White House.''
Alexander Haig, Secretary of State, after President Reagan was shot, unaware that he was fourth in the line of succession

''The abortionists have got to bear some burden for this because God will not be mocked. And when we destroy 40 million little innocent babies, we make God mad. I really believe that the pagans, and the abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People for the American Way — all of them who have tried to secularize America — I point the finger in their face and say 'you helped this happen.'''
Rev. Jerry Falwell, on the 9/11 attacks, Sept. 13, 2001
President Reagan 
''Facts are stupid things.''
President Ronald Reagan  , at the 1988 Republican National Convention, attempting to quote John Adams, who said, ''Facts are stubborn things''

''Well, I learned a lot....I went down to (Latin America) to find out from them and (learn) their views. You'd be surprised. They're all individual countries''—President Ronald Reagan

''Things are more like they are now than they have ever been.''—President Gerald Ford

''A zebra does not change its spots.''—Al Gore

Sarah Palin
''As Putin rears his head and comes into the air space of the United States of America, where -- where do they go? It's Alaska. It's just right over the border.''
Sarah Palin, explaining why Alaska's proximity to Russia gives her foreign policy experience, interview with CBS's Katie Couric, Sept. 24, 2008

''I'm not a witch...I'm you.''
—failed Delaware GOP Senate candidate Christine O'Donnell, in a 30-second ad responding to video clips from her past in which she said she dabbled in witchcraft, Oct. 4, 2010

''I'm a huge supporter of women. What I'm not is a supporter of liberalism. Feminism is what I oppose. Feminism has led women astray. I love the women's movement -- especially when walking behind it.''
Rush Limbaugh, responding to criticism that he is sexist and defending his selection as one of the judges at the 2010 Miss America Pageant, ''Fox News' Fox & Friends,'' February 3, 2010.

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Sunday, August 19, 2012

Friday, August 17, 2012

Kills-Bugs-Dead- including Spidey...

Kills Bugs Dead- including Spidey...

from visboo.com

Construction Fail- ATM for giants

Construction Fail- ATM for giants

from chilloutpoint.com

Kiss Cam slip...I love you....beery much....

Guy on Kiss Cam Kisses Beer instead of his wife......look at  the expression of the wife after the "kiss".

nice quote from collegehumor.com:

"Bart, a woman is like beer. They look good, they smell good, and you'd
step over your own mother just to get one!" – Homer Simpson

Monday, August 13, 2012

Manila Philippines, August 2012 flooding- 2012 Olympic superstar Michael Phelps to the rescue!

A spoof on the recent metrowide Philippine flooding:
Michael Phelps doing a victory lap in the flood in Manila Philippines, August 2012.

from chloeuniversity.tumblr.com

Saturday, August 11, 2012

Late-Night 2012 London Olympic Jokes

Late Show with David Letterman
"The European countries are really hoping to do well in the Olympics. If they win gold medals, they can use them as cash." –David Letterman 

"The opening ceremonies will feature the parade of athletes from 107 bankrupt nations." -David Letterman

"How about those Olympic uniforms? They're made by Ralph Lauren and they're beautiful. They're colorful, they're odd. I mean they look like the cast of 'Glee.' They look like the entire navy of Monaco." –David Letterman

"Have you seen the Olympic uniforms? It's for the American Olympic team and it's berets. To me, nothing says America like a guy in a beret. Look at our founding fathers, they all wore berets." –David Letterman

Stephen Colbert- Colbert Nation
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
"Naturally the U.S. trails in gold medals because every time we win one, we hand it over to the Chinese to pay off our debt." –Stephen Colbert
"Mitt Romney will travel to London where he will attend the Olympics opening ceremony . Of course it's going ot be weird when they're announcing all the countries, and he's like 'Got a bank account there, got one there, two bank accounts there." –Jimmy Fallon
"President Obama said 1992’s dream team was better than this year’s Olympic basketball team. Which is interesting because a lot of people think 1992’s president is better than this year’s president." –Jimmy Fallon

"Speaking of the Mitt Romney, there are reports that he may attend the London Olympics this summer. Romney’s psyched to watch wrestling – cuz it’s the only place where someone changes positions more than he does." –Jimmy Fallon

"At the Beijing Olympics in 2008, they handed out 100,000 condoms. This year it's 150,000. That's 100,000 for the U.S. basketball team and 50,000 for everyone else." –Jimmy Kimmel

"A dozen swimming events have already been completed in the Olympic competition. I wonder where they got the name 'Speedo.' It doesn't sound like a bathing suit, it sounds like a breakfast cereal for meth addicts." -Craig Ferguson

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Jay Leno's Late- Night 2012 London Olympic Jokes

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
"Well, Harry Reid and other members of congress, they're just furious over this Olympic uniform deal. He says we should burn the uniforms, and it's an embarrassment and a disgrace. Not as embarrassing as congress constantly borrowing money from the Chinese, but still embarrassing."

"I guess you heard about this; the U.S. Olympic Committee is coming under fire after it was revealed that the uniforms for Team USA to be worn in the opening ceremony were made in China. Turns out they were made by some of the same kids who could beat us in gymnastics. That's the worst part."

President Barack Obama

"Well, President Obama and first lady Michelle went to see the U.S. Olympic basketball team play Brazil the other day. And during the game, they were put on the kiss cam. At first, they didn't kiss and the crowd booed them. Then the camera went back to them. And they finally did kiss. Isn't that amazing? A politician in Washington caught on camera kissing a woman he's actually married to?"

"Mitt Romney announced that he's going to the Olympics in London next month. No word yet on whether he will be rooting for Switzerland, Bermuda, Luxemburg or the Cayman Islands. I'm not quite sure."

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Conan O'Brien's Late-Night 2012 London Olympics Jokes

Late Night with Conan O'Brien
"This year's Olympics will be replacing the women's beach volleyball bikinis with uniforms that are less revealing. The stricter dress code was made to appease the conservative nation of 'Buzzkillistan.'"

"Olympics can inspire American kids to get active. Or it can inspire American kids to sit on the couch and watch the Olympics."

"Even though the Olympics take place during Ramadan, some Muslim athletes said they will not fast during games. Then, after sampling the British food, they said, on second thought, fasting sounds good."

Jan Ebeling of the U.S. riding Rafalca competes in the equestrian dressage event Tuesday.
"Tough Olympic news for the Romneys. Ann Romney's horse Rafalka did not advance to the Olympic finals. Apparently it was beat by a smooth-talking socialist horse from Kenya."

"So far China has won the most gold medals, ladies and gentlemen. The Chinese athletes can't wait to get home and show the medals off to the kids who made them."

"Olympic organizers are reportedly struggling to fill rows and rows of empty seats. Empty seats! In fact, yesterday officials put out a casting call asking for 200 Europeans or eight Americans."

"Some people are saying that the reason Michael Phelps isn't doing so well is because he let himself get too out of shape. I just have to say that I have been watching the Olympics, and if that guy is out of shape, I have been dead for five years."

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Sunday, August 5, 2012

Funny Short Olympic Jokes

Five Fabulous Funny Short Olympic Jokes

  • Nastia Luikin won the gold in the woman's all-around event in gymnastics. The competition was nasty, but she was Nastia.

  • Why isn't sun tanning an Olympic sport? Because the best you can ever get is bronze.

  • A javelin thrower called Vicky                                                                                                     Found the grip of her javelin sticky.                                                                                                    When it came to the throw                                                                                                             She couldn't let go                                                                                                                        Making judging the distance quite tricky.

  • Heard on the BBC News: 'The Olympic Countdown Clock has stopped, I think it's a wind-up.'

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Olympic "One-liners"

Here Are Some More Funny Olympic "One-liners"  To Make You Smile

  1. Rain ... ... the official weather supplier to the London 2012 Olympic Games.
  2. I always wanted to be an Olympic 400m runner but I heard there were too many hurdles.
  3. Greece is really hoping to do well in the Olympics. If they win gold medals, they can use them as cash.
  4. Olympics can inspire British children to get active. Or it can inspire British youngsters to sit on the sofa and watch the Olympics.
  5. Even though the Olympics take place during Ramadan, some Muslim athletes said they will not fast during games. Then, after sampling the British food, they said, on second thoughts, fasting sounded good.
  6. The Olympic organisers have advised people to watch out that they're not being sold fake 2012 Olympic tickets. I think I'll be alright though. My tickets for the men's wheelchair triple jump seem genuine enough.
  7. The Olympic Torch passed through my town. My 75 year-old neighbour turned to me and said, 'Not again.'
  8. 2012 London Olympics: 84 medals with 25 golds - Guardian writers predict GB's haul. [Will and Guy hope this is no joke!]

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